


Losing It and Finding It Again

by Nightlock



Category: Mr. Robot (TV), Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Canon typical drug use, Climbing Class, Climbing Class AU, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-09
Updated: 2015-10-23
Packaged: 2018-04-25 14:43:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4964656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nightlock/pseuds/Nightlock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Breaking his one rule Elliot gets into trouble but someone is there to help him out. (Rated for language, mentions of violence, drug mentions/drug use) (Takes place before the events of the show)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_"Hi, again. I know we aren’t supposed to be talking right now but it’s urgent." ___

“Are you alright?” 

____

_“I think I over did it this time. I know I broke my own rule. I know I wasn’t supposed to go over 30 milligrams but I couldn’t handle it.”_

____

“Hey.” 

____

_“I know you’re just in my head but I need your help.”_

____

“Shit. Hey, man! Hold on, I’m going to get you out of here!” 

____

_“I need you to tell me what happened last night.”_

____

\----- 

____

Elliot woke with a start gasping for air like a fish out of water. It was hot and his skin was veiled with a thin sheet of sweat. His head felt heavy and his mind was dazed, buzzed, like his brain had an intimate exchange with a taser gun. His muscles were tensed, kind of sore, and it took him effort to move without feeling an after effect of lightheadedness. A shaky sigh escaped his mouth and he scrubbed his clammy hand over his face to try to grip himself back to reality. Nothing was making sense. Vague colorful lights danced at the back of his eyes and faint rolling of sirens sang in his ears like a hangover. It was frantic, loud and he wanted it to be over. A hard swallow and a strained sniff was by instinct as he tried to ground himself. He started to tremble, panic, at the absence of his memory. It was starting to get harder to breathe and tears welled in his bloodshot eyes. Elliot needed to calm down. He needed to _think_. The last he remembered was going out to meet Shayla. He wanted morphine, needed it, and she had called him about being able to hook him up if need be. Shayla usually came to his apartment to deliver the goods, and sometimes something special they shared to pass the time, but he was desperate for it and couldn’t wait until she returned at whatever forsaken hour she’d be home after a night out. As comfortable as he felt with her Elliot knew better. His nerves knew not to rely on Shayla’s flighty sense of time to decide if he’d suffer the night or not. He needed it two days before yesterday. The primal hunger for the drug was fierce and unyielding. Even following his rule on a regular basis there were times he lusted for his fix like a real junkie; something he never wanted to be. Elliot knew he wasn’t such a thing even when he strayed from his rules on occasion. He wasn’t an addict, he just needed the extra help at times. He wanted to be normal and to deal with his problems like normal people did but he wasn’t normal. Was normality ever an option for him? At this point it didn’t matter. He knew how to work the system. He wasn’t stupid enough to get addicted. 

____

Speaking of, Elliot began to remember vague, cloudy fragments of his adventure last night. He remembered he needed morphine and had devoured the little stash of suboxone, for the wavering feeling of withdrawal, before work. It was his reserve he had to use to get through the day; well unbeknownst to him at the time _days_. Allsafe had been dealing with a major compromise of security from one of their high tier branched clients and it had taken up a lot of his time. Gideon had worked everyone’s asses off but not as a money hungry, corporate tyrant but as a man who cared about his client, his work and his company’s reputation. It was a stretch since a lot of people weren’t available too. It was a scheduled holiday after all or some bullshit like that. The entire staff, who were present, who were working on the case had been up hours at a time that ultimately led to two all-nighters consecutively. It wasn’t stopping the breach that had been as consuming as it were recovering and reconfiguring all of the corrupted data and sensitive files. It was a nightmare even for the most talented of the staff, Elliot included. The workload was tedious, time consuming busy work that made anyone want to shoot their own genitals and fuck their brains with a knife just to feel _something_ other than the numb, cold feeling of fatigued boredom and itchy restlessness from two days of living off caffeine. Sleep was rarer than usual for Elliot already and he was running on nothing, a man already a ‘certified’ insomniac. Morphine always was his preferred ‘coffee’ for the day and with even his emergency hit, only half his usual dose to begin with, was an option despite telling himself otherwise and it hardly lasted the dreadful shift he endured to help out Allsafe. Gideon appreciated it and wanted to treat Elliot, and the present staff, to a time out on him but Elliot wasn’t interested. He never really was one for social gatherings to begin with but after that amount of time and work he just needed to unwind a little. Being out with his co-workers and Angela would only work his already worn nerves, trigger his anxiety, so he passed. He did so as he always did, stand-offish and awkwardly in a way that came off as rude but he wasn’t trying to be. He was only being honest. The silly faces that were a cocktail of confused, disappointed and hurt were something Elliot had gotten used to but at times it nibbled and picked at his conscience. Sometimes. It had been one of those times and it made him feel out of place, nervous and a little afraid. The chaos in his mind hadn’t even peaked to the surface but as usual Angela picked up on something because she had insisted Elliot come with them so they could catch up and talk. She always wanted to talk when she was worried. Childhood memories exchanges with genuine smiles and a bond thicker than blood had always been something she cherished, they cherished. However, Elliot could only muster a fake partial smile and reassure her he just needed sleep. It wasn’t a lie but her expression was all too clear to indicate she didn’t entirely buy his story _but_ she dropped it and let him go. It was a battle she usually didn’t win when it came to Elliot closing himself off. 

____

“I’m just worried about you, Elliot.” She always had a habit of saying that to him. He could practically hear it now like a reminder he had fucked up. 

____

_“I don’t know where the hell I am. I should’ve went out with everyone. I should’ve-“_

____

Elliot ad paused his own thoughts when another person invaded his mind that conjured a new wave of anxiety and guilt. 

____

“Just be careful getting out, okay? We’ll share a Molly later. Promise.” Shayla’s silky slur of words upon their departure after the transaction was laced with whatever she took for a good time. 

____

_“Shit. That’s right. Shayla.”_

____

Elliot had left his place to seek Shayla out and nothing else really came to mind when he strained to think. It was like the entire night was missing. His asshole of a brain had taken away the key piece of the fucking puzzle to keep it unfinished. Like he wasn’t supposed to know. Like he needed to forget. Why? 

____

“I...I don’t remember.” His voice was unfamiliar to even himself. It was quiet, dry and broken. He sounded like he was going to cry but he wasn’t going to. That was a time for later. He know it’d be coming. It was a feel kind of feeling like when a person feels vibes. The loneliness was like a beast in a cave. It lurked and dwelled silently in the darkness until it was hungry. It had gotten particularly hungry for Elliot as of late. Breakdowns at night had become commonplace. 

____

Elliot had ridden his mind of such thoughts. He had more important things to think about like what the fuck happened to him. He looked down to see sweat soaking through his under shirt he didn’t remember putting on. Was this even his? A quick spring of his arm removed the sheet over his body to realize he still had on his jeans from last night although his boots were missing. So he did go out, that much was a fact. 

____

“Oh, you’re awake.” It was an unfamiliar voice to Elliot and he whipped his head to see a stranger. Wait, where was he? The place was small, barely furnished and lacking in décor but it wasn’t his place. As familiar as everything was it was also foreign. Like a case of déjà vu and amnesia simultaneously. 

____

_“Shit.”_

____

“…Who are you?” Elliot’s mouth felt sandy and his head throbbed but he was still able to remain cautious. He had always been careful but he wasn’t today or last night and now he was where ever the hell ‘here’ was with someone he didn’t know. He didn’t enjoy being in the mercy of a stranger. Especially when he spent a lot of his time avoid such predicaments. He didn’t feel like talking but he needed answers. You could only stay in your head but so long when in such a dilemma. 

____

“Right, right, my bad. My name’s Chris.” Chris had offered out his hand for a friendly shake to include with his introduction. It had turned awkward when Elliot only stared at him warily like a wounded animal that was silently waiting to strike if needed. Chris took the hint and retreated his hand. 

____

“I helped you last night. You don’t remember?” A simple question but there wasn’t a simple answer. Not to Elliot. ‘No’ wouldn’t suffice in this situation, would it? Why the hell didn’t he remember? Where was Shayla? Although Elliot remembered parting ways with her he still felt like he should know where she was. Something happened, didn’t it? 

____

“You were alone last night. Uhh, you know, when I met you.” Chris clarified with a gentle approach. He didn’t want to send off the wrong message. 

____

_“It was like he was reading my mind. Not to be arrogant but I’m sure I’m not that easy to read.”_

____

Chris had picked up the social cue of confusion from his strange, new visitor and rubbed the back of his head as a result. He decided to correct himself feeling the alien silence was from his wording. 

____

“I mean, I saw you. You were pretty fucked up at the party. You were in the corner of the room with your head rolling like you were going to pass out. I thought you were sick or something but…” 

____

_“Yeah, that sounded about right. Whatever Shayla gave me wasn’t pure to be sure. Fuck. It’s not like I blamed her though, I was careless.”_

____

“Anyway, some shit went down and the cops were on their way so I helped you out. It beats being arrested and detained on drug charges, right?” He asked with a lift of his brow and a playful grin. Who the hell was this guy? 

____

_“I don’t like parties, noise…people. I didn’t like any of it but I went despite it all. Would you call me crazy? Not really. When hunting what gets even the most careful and intelligent of prey out of hiding? Bait. The right bait. I needed morphine. I think that’s all that mattered. I was still getting used to fixed dosages so who knows. Maybe what fucked me up wasn’t even a diluted party mixture of morphine. I was supposed to go home and test it. Check. I always checked. Always, but I didn’t last night and here I am. Snapped in a trap by the neck. If I keep breaking my rules I’ll end up dead or worse, addicted.”_

____

“You…uhh you don’t talk much, do you?” There wasn’t a trace of maliciousness or a condescending tone from the question. It sounded like genuine curiosity. 

____

_“Why would I need to? People never really have anything to say. Nothing that really withstands the tired, repetitive droning of topics about celebrities, media, social sites, some bullshit social justice talk that fucked with ignorance and arrogance in some sick kind of orgy in the minds of society as a whole. What could speaking really offer outside of the bullshit people choked on every day? So unaware of how easy society slops down another shit excuse to achieve connection. I think even without my social anxieties I wouldn’t have much to say. Whatever people say facebook has already reposted it hundreds of times like it was philosophical, life changing salvation. Liked by the masses who just repeat words they don’t even understand like trained parrots. Talking is hardly anyone’s problem right now. Hardly mine.”_

____

“Don’t worry about it. As you can see, I’m used to the silence.” Chris hadn’t waited for a response because he had a feeling he wasn’t getting one. Maybe something had been said if Elliot were more honest outside of his mind but all Chris received was a blank stare before Chris’ voice snapped him out of it. The curious expression masking Chris’ face was confirmation Elliot did it again. He disassociated himself with an inner rant that was as good as speaking it to a deaf person. 

____

Elliot hadn’t noticed before but Chris had a glass of water in his hand and he had given it to him with a coy approach. Elliot had stared back listlessly, mouth slightly agape while lost in a sea of his tormenting thoughts, before a shaky hand reached for the glass. 

____

“You probably have a headache, right? I’d offer you something but I don’t have anything. Want me to get some pain killers? There’s a RiteAid only a block or so around here-” 

____

“I’m…I’m fine.” He didn’t plan to stay. He needed to get home. Angela was probably looking for him. She always stopped by when she showed great concern. It was inevitable that Elliot would greet her with a lie whenever he actually saw her again. Rinse. Lather. Repeat. 

____

Elliot’s eyes did a once over on Chris to make quick observations before his line of sight fell to his glass. The water was clean, the glass stainless. It was tap water to be sure by the strange, subtle scent of chemicals similar to chlorine that danced at Elliot’s nose. The water rippled by the tremors from his hand. He decided to make use of his other hand to steady the cup. 

____

_“He doesn’t look like the type to be at such a place like I was last night. A mad raving prison of drugs, heavy beats and hypnotizing lights while dealers and hookers were tranced by their impulses and hunger for money or a fix. Huh, even I didn’t belong there but I went. I’m hardly in a position to judge. You know that though. You know what happened right? That what you do, silently observe. You probably only know as much as I do, you’re all in my head after all.”_

____

Elliot glanced around again. It was a studio apartment much like his. Near damned identical if not for it being a bit more polished and taken care of. Elliot turned his gaze back to Chris who was face to face with his phone. Texting someone, probably, but he didn’t hear it go off or vibrate. 

____

_“Chris had a strange innocence to him almost like Angela. Something the darkest reaches of this world couldn’t reach or at least hasn’t touched yet. Blonde hair, blue eyes are far as physical similarities but beyond that there was a radiant kindness not many have. I didn’t know this guy but this felt familiar. Probably the similarities because the world’s not small enough, not even my world.”_

____

“Gonna drink it, bro? If you don’t want water I have some soda or tea but I figured that's not the best thing to drink after a rough night.” Elliot, lost in thought, hadn’t noticed Chris standing their watching with anticipation now, phone tucked into his back pocket, to see his offer be accepted. 

____

_“This was just water, right? Even if it was more there are such thing as scentless spikes. But why would he wait for me to come to only to drug me again? It was illogical but it didn’t ease my nerves. I don’t know this guy, I better not take the chance.”_

____

Despite the logic within his head telling him otherwise Elliot hesitantly nodded before taking the glass to his lips. He was so thirsty and really needed a drink but the probability of Chris’ intentions to alternate from helpful and pure were slim at best. 

____

_“It could all be an act. Life wasn’t as cut and dry as what you see. Like malware disguised as virus protection people were just as deceptive. A helping hand could be holding a knife and only after it pierced through your heart are you any wiser to what you’ve fallen into. Life would be better if people were as simple as codes and data. It really would only even programs and data betrayed the user. By the will of an outside source or not life was never that simple. Not even inside a screen. Was Chris virus protection or malware?”_

____

The boiling thoughts were circulating through Elliot’s mind like wildfire but it didn’t stop him from taking a sip. It was refreshing and cool and a welcoming rinse of the foul taste of bile and whatever else from Elliot’s mouth. He swallowed, only drinking half, before offering the glass back while wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand. Chris smiled with a nod, the surface of his glasses reflecting the warm light in the room. 

____

_“Trusting people is harder than talking to them. Trust is impossible. I can’t trust him.”_

____

“It’s all good, bro. Stay as long as you need. No rush and I apologize this place isn’t up to luxury hotel standards. It gets the job done but I don’t leave mints on the pillows.” Chris joked lightheartedly before turning to head to the kitchen. 

____

“Elliot.” Chris stopped and turned his head, eyebrows raised. 

____

“What’d you say, b-“ 

____

“It’s Elliot.” 

____

_“I didn’t know him but something was strange. That itch in the back of mind again didn’t let up. I’d have to hack him when I got back home. I may never see him again but either way its protection. The itch was never wrong. It’d be nice to be proven wrong though even if once but people always seem to disappoint.”_

____

“Can I use your phone?” A simple request but not without a motive. Once Elliot got what he needed he’d leave. The only use of speaking to anyone beyond his comfort zone was to reach out to make the hack easier. 

____

_“I guess in the eyes of others maybe I’m malware. A virus Chris willingly let in through the front door like purposely visiting a phishing site just to see what it was like. Or trusting a suspicious file just because it helped you pirate the next ripped video game leak. It was so fucked up and around irony I couldn’t even bother to see him as foolish.”_

____

Chris had put in his code to unlock it before handing it to Elliot. He didn’t even hesitate. 

____

“Sure, just put it on the night stand when you’re done.” Chris had entered the open space kitchen to wash the glass. It’s be not even a minute before he was back, Elliot had assumed, so he browsed fast to see Chris’ full name: Christopher Bretton. His phone was riddled with apps-mostly nothing more than useless games-few contacts and zero activity saved. Not even in his browser. 

____

_“There was nothing. No facebook, twitter or Instagram or any kind of social chat app. Nothing. The only means of communication he probably uses are texts.”_

____

It was an extremely rare case Elliot ever held a phone that lacked so much personality. Sometimes he knew a person just by the picture their lock screen provided or even the passcode, that was never hardly a chore to hack, but here there wasn’t a clue. The home screen of his phone hadn’t said much about Chris but his full name was enough. 

____

Elliot switched to the keypad and called his own apartment number. He didn’t expect anyone to pick up but that was the point. After a couple of rings he hung up and deleted his number from the history. Chris returned to the bedroom to see Elliot was up on his feet putting on his shirt and trademark black sweatshirt he had discovered was hanging on the closet door. 

____

“Sorry, no one picked up. I better go.” Elliot reached for his boots next, lacing them into a knot halfheartedly. 

____

_“It was always a risk to stick around for too long. You know that more than anyone.”_

____

“Uh, alright. Are you sure you’re going to be okay? I can walk-“ 

____

“No, it’s alright.” Elliot was back on his feet rushing to the exit. He needed to get home. A pat of his shirt pockets had created inner relief. His pills were there. It was strange though, if he was granted his usual from Shayla then what did he take last night? And why? Such thoughts dissolved when Chris spoke to him. 

____

“Then maybe I’ll see you around?” Chris sounded almost hopeful. It was a strange kind of expectation to have for a stranger. 

____

Elliot turned around and mustered as much of a fake smile as he could. 

____

“Yeah.” He replied with false hope as he pulled his hood up before walking out. 

____

____

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was rewatching Mr. Robot and this idea popped in my head. I feel like it acts so well! I have subtle plot for this but not sure if it's ugh worth it x'D I finished this chapter since by 80% of the chapter was already done I wanted it to be posted. I really enjoy writing Elliot, hope he's canon here. Hope Chris is too, felt kind of out of my element here admittedly...
> 
> I apologize for any mistakes as usual x'D
> 
> My tumblr! (writerssphere.tumblr.com)


	2. Chapter 2

“I don’t think this will work.” It was a sudden though blurted out mid conversation. The entirety of their actions could have dire consequences. It’s too risky and dangerous. Even this phone call was dancing on thin ice.

“Don’t talk like that. You just have to give it time, okay? It’s not like it’ll be instant. They told you to ease everything in. You can’t rush anything.” This was fact and it had been appreciated reassurance but it didn’t take away the tension and the doubt. Was it the right thing to do? 

“Yeah. Yeah, I know.” Knowing and understanding felt like separate realities. Was it really understood? Was that what was wanted out of all of this? 

“Then what’s wrong? Everything they said was true.” Truth was like a double-edged sword, either way it hurt. There was no denying it now. Not anymore. 

“I’m afraid.” 

“Afraid?” There was a pause and the line went silent. “Of?” 

“Afraid that we’re doing this for nothing.” 

\----- 

_“People tend to be predictable, coded to act and behave a certain way. Sharing their personal lives, their personas of what they want the world to see online and any other minimal detail like others gave a shit. Uploading themselves hourly, daily, within the scripts of tweets and profiles about their day or what new item they’ve acquired. It often translated from a subconsciously unknown language about the mounds of debt they reached to have the latest anything to convince themselves life is worth living because of it. In reality, this behavior is never about the audience but the person. The validation to say you’re allowed to exist. That you do exist. Debt allows you to exist. Letting superficial achievements engrave on their lives wishing it meant something. Social media has revoked privacy as easily as we’ve given our freedom from being allowed to have it. It’s a constant.”_

“Elliot, are you listening?” 

_“Constants that take over the ride then half way down the road we’re fed the illusion of control of where we can go or what we can do. Social media is a constant. Debt is a constant. Politics are a constant. The people who were at the top of the world hidden behind money, power and their anonymous existences are a constant. When did the variables kick in? I’m asking you this because I’m not sure if Chris is a constant or a variable.”_

“Elliot.” 

Elliot had awoken from his inner thoughts with a dazed expression as sunlight filtered into the room. His eyes danced left and right before they fell still looking to the floor. It was so surreal. Sometimes he didn’t realize when he did that. When he went off into his own world to talk and say things he’d never actually let leave his mouth outside his head. Not many people he spoke with really showed patience for his social habits, even Angela had her limits, but Krista was always understanding. It wasn’t just because she was paid to be that way but because she actually cared. He knew she did because he knew that she understood loneliness and wanted to protect people from it, Elliot from it. Loneliness was like a bad relationship. There’s the desire to leave it but lacking the ability to make it possible. The information from his hack into her life said as much. She attracted the worse kind of men that often took advantage of her kindness and loneliness. Her best asset had become her greatest weakness. Krista’s altruistic approach had planted a deep seeded respect for her within Elliot though. She was part of his network. His small, complicated, closed off network of people he cared for in some way. People he wanted to protect so they could be okay. The list was so small he could count on his hand but he preferred it that way. Relationships were too confusing and complicated to branch out into double digits. 

Elliot didn’t know why but he enjoyed their talks during his sessions even if he only said what he wanted to or said what he thought she wanted to hear opposed to what he _needed_ to say. Coming back to reality from Krista’s persistence to get his attention Elliot mustered a smile that barely stretched half the length it could be. Smiling was a variable. He wasn’t coded to smile much because there wasn’t a program in his life that often initiated the command. 

“Yeah, I’m listening.” Krista wasn’t buying it. She may be bad at reading people, based on Elliot’s understanding of her, but she wasn’t stupid. Or maybe Elliot wasn’t as convincing today. Even an amateur got lucky when confronting an error. It was hard to concentrate right now. He didn’t feel like doing this but missing an appointment was as good as admitting he had something going on. She prodded him a lot but it hardly reaped anything beneficial towards getting anything accomplished. 

_“I know what you’re thinking. I shouldn’t lie to her. I should tell her what’s on my mind but I can’t. I’ve felt lost since what happened two weeks ago. I had planned to hack Chris, I planned to learn everything and anything there was to know about him. I thought it’d be easy but I was wrong.”_

Krista’s presence across the room was gentle but she held an authoritative presence with her body language and focused stare. She didn’t appreciate Elliot’s lies but she understood so she always remained composed and her voice never raised in tone. If Elliot didn’t feel anxious he’d have been comforted by the mixture of these traits. This was not to say Krista was a steel wall. It was hardly the case as he recalled her listless, lost expressions and red eyes when she dated another loser and it didn’t go well or he wasn’t the guy she was looking for. Or days the still ripe emotions that carried over from her divorce had surfaced she was often distracted and quiet. She reached out to heal her own loneliness but it wasn’t easy. Nothing was ever easy. Loneliness was the only company that stayed the longest and it was painful. Yeah, she understood and Elliot could rely her not to cause him harm. Not intentionally anyway. 

“You mentioned Chris before. Is he a friend?” 

_“What was Chris? It didn’t make any sense. Chris Bretton didn't exist. He didn’t have any constants in his life. He was like dummy data dismissed from a final product. Fragmented data without a start or an end. He wasn’t a friend, he was a variable in the world of constants.”_

“Yeah, we hang out.” Elliot turned his head away from Krista to think. He had to build a world she’d believe. It had to be as genuine as he could muster. Krista always emphasized connecting and socializing could only help Elliot through his anxieties and problems but it was always easier said than done. The hopeful look in her eyes that Elliot might’ve found someone to confide in and open up his very limited world was like breaking ground. She wanted to see progress in Elliot and it tugged at his conscience that he’d have to lie to her. This tug didn’t last long though. The tugs never lasted long enough to stop the lying. Never really had a lasting effect because it had become part of his coding to get by. Lying had become a constant, his own personal touch. 

“We went to another party. It helped having him there,” Elliot slightly nodded his head with an artificial smoothness as his nerves racked his insides and his mind raced, “We like the same music.” Elliot added and looked away from his therapist. If he had kept the eye contact he would see the gradual fall of Krista’s smile. The extra little tab of information was always an overkill. Elliot hadn’t realized until she called him out on it. 

_“I couldn’t find what I needed about Chris. Just vague fragments. Even his email was barren. Contacts were strictly professional and any history of activity almost nonexistent. It didn’t make sense and it itched. I couldn’t shake this itch. I wanted to be proven wrong but I didn’t think it would feel like this. Make me feel so incomplete and empty. The night I left his place I had memorized his cellphone number, silently reciting it, and wrote it down when I got home. I asked you to help me remember it, remember? I had the impulse to throw it out multiple times after that but I couldn’t. It was the most I knew about him besides his name. I don’t really know why I want to know more than that. Sometimes I feel like it’s not just that itch that compels me. That reasoning felt as slippery as your existence though and we both know how slippery that is.”_

Krista took a deep, silent breath. She looked down at her notes then back to Elliot who seemed to have started fidgeting his foot. He’s not talking again and the disapproval was subtle on her face but there. She didn’t enjoy when he hid away from her. She only want to help him. 

“Elliot, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s on your mind.” It was a gentle plea, her voice soft and concerned. It felt like time had stopped from the overwhelming silence in the room. An eternity measured in minutes ended when Elliot decided to speak. 

“How do you know a person?” Krista had paused, the question was not a surprise but Elliot’s sudden compliance with her plea had been. On days like this she didn’t always get through to him and sometimes he’d leave early. It was remarkable such a scenario did not occur, especially considering Elliot was showing all the signs that he was getting uncomfortable like he wanted to run away and hide. 

“Well, you talk to them, “she paused, clearing her throat because somewhere in the back of her subconscious she felt like she was not qualified to answer this, at least, not with a malfunctioning radar for bullshit in people she meets in her personal life, “Exchange information and have a desire to learn. It’s the ability to pursue over the ability to know or not.” 

Elliot paused to think and audibly swallowed. It wasn’t adding up, that wasn’t sufficient enough. It didn’t make the puzzle come together in his head and he was in the dark. He felt a familiar prickling in his eyes like tears would form any minute. He felt like he was becoming overwhelmed. What the hell was he getting so emotional about? 

“But how do you know their honest? What if what they tell you are only lies?” Elliot knew there wasn’t an answer to this but he asked anyway. He lied all the time. Did that mean he didn’t know anyone? Or they think they know him? Maybe Elliot’s scarce relationships were just a desperate illusion to fight back the loneliness that always won. He was a hacker and the nature of one was to distrust everyone, even their own and sometimes even themselves. There weren’t any real pacts or alliances between hackers but instead just a cold, detached existence between one another. This is why it was so hard to trust because hacking opened up his eyes. It showed him what people really were like and were too afraid to say but then he had suddenly been blinded by Chris Bretton. Eyes gauged out and eyelids sewn shut and all. 

_“I was afraid. I was always afraid but this was eating away at me. It was being vulnerable and blind. I couldn’t see into the life of this person and it was dangerous to think of trying to dig deeper.”_

“Do you feel people aren’t honest with you, Elliot?” She looked concerned again. Did she think he was disassociating again? That trust had twisted into some distorted, crooked creature within his mind and being projected onto his present relationships? Quite the opposite. It wasn’t the people in his life that were the problem but it was him. He was lying to Krista right now despite the value of their therapist-patient relationship. He lied to Angela, Shayla and even Gideon when he pried too much or become somewhat intrusive with his concern. Elliot wasn’t good for them, for anyone, but it was a bad relationship. He didn’t know how to leave. _They_ didn’t know how to leave. 

“I just want to know.” He was frank but his voice had been quiet like he started thinking halfway through his sentence. Krista held back a sigh and she fought back her own memories, her desires for the truth, to be able to give a clear headed answer. She was the therapist and owed every patient as healthy a mind as she could give. 

“You don’t. You don’t know. Honesty is a product of trust but does not exist without it. You can only know what you say is the truth or not, Elliot. Make the conscious effort to do so. When presented with truth people project it back.” Elliot looked away at the door to the office. 

_“The feeling of fight or flight. It was a constant. Krista was a constant. The loneliness was a constant. What was the variable? My sanity? It always made me feel like I was crazy when I walked through these doors. Sitting down in this exact spot while I deny her any real answers like my avoidance of my meds, the morphine, the lack of feeling in control, the loneliness and the unbearable pain. What the fuck was it for?”_

Elliot looked down to the floor and then back at Krista. She stared at him like she could see the gears turning in his head. Like she could see the malfunction without the slightest idea on how to ease the strain. She applies the oil but the gears still struggle, still screeched out as though shutting down was inevitable. She was a mechanic with a case that was beyond her ability right now even if she didn’t know it. 

“I know meeting people is hard, Elliot. Trusting is hard but you’re capable.” Her words cradled at those gears in his head. Whether they would ease the noise or add strain was undetermined. 

“Yeah.” Elliot couldn’t muster a better answer, a lie, anything to make this less awkward. Less emotionally charged. 

_“I sometimes wish we knew each other under different circumstances. It’s not easy to feel safe and my common constant is fear but sometimes when she looks like that, like she can save my world, it feels like a variable. Like my coding is being debugged, cheating myself out of it, but it doesn’t last. It all comes rushing back.”_

Elliot took an interest in his hands again, one hand rubbing at the other’s fingers, before looking back up at her. He licked his lips, it suddenly as very dry and the room suddenly a few inches smaller. It was suffocating. Elliot’s sense of security never lasted long and when it faded away he was overtaken by raging torrents of fear. He couldn’t even trust his own impulses so he knew even if he wanted to trust it could not be found here either. Krista knew and she leaned back into her chair. Fight or flight. It was always flight. 

“Same time next week?” Elliot hesitantly nodded before grabbing his bag that had been resting aside his leg then put it on and walked out silently with his eyes focused to the floor in front of him. She was bad at reading people, sure, but she was good at knowing them. She knew Elliot, at least, as much as he could share or would share. 

\----- 

“Thanks again, Elliot. You really helped us back then.” Gideon was smiling while leaning against the edge of his desk while his hands were supporting his weight. Elliot was sitting across from his desk with closed off posture and silently staring back. He vaguely nodded, not one to be so accepting or enthusiastic for compliments or praise. 

_“It happened two weeks ago. I’m not sure if Gideon’s just a very appreciative man or it was that dangerous of a situation. I only did my job, I’m not looking to be praised. I not looking for anything that this job can offer.”_

“That raise is still on the table-“ 

“I’m fine.” It was an immediate answer. Elliot hardly cut people off but he didn’t want to be rewarded. He felt nervous being in the spotlight. Even private spotlight between him and another. It was stage fright at its worst. Being recognized was the last think he wanted. That anonymous face in the crowd suited him best but he was quickly becoming Gideon’s favorite. He had offered this raise a couple of time before and gotten the same or very similar responses. Elliot hadn’t really given a shit about money and worked because he pretty much had to like everyone else. He was sure his boss knew that but he was persistent. Not just with this unnecessary raise but getting to know Elliot. Gideon wasn’t a bad man or a bad friend, probably, but Elliot wasn’t interested in being any closer than what he was. Sometimes he wanted even less than a professional relationship because Gideon was an intimate man. He often spoke with the need to physically connect to the other person with innocent touches of the shoulder and such. He knew Elliot’s preference of personal space but it was clear speaking without the connection of touch was hard on him. Being accommodated was being recognized but it was the one time Elliot appreciated standing out. If it meant not being touched he was fine. 

As expected Gideon insisted he take the raise. Guilt creeped in when Elliot remembered the spare conversations with Angela about missing payments from student loans and her other financial struggles so the idea he was getting the raise she was after felt alien and wrong. It maybe was one reason he didn’t want it. 

“It wasn’t the first time you’ve bailed us out, Elliot, and your work is always exceptional. We’re really lucky Angela bought you in when she did. Just take it, please.” It wasn’t a choice really so Elliot nodded. The illusions of choice were always in his life, work was no different. Control was a variable. The thought made him realize he had control over one thing which was how long he stayed. Elliot was getting up from his seat when Gideon called out. 

“Oh, Elliot. I also wanted to tell you that you’ll be a project for a while.” So there was another reason for this little meeting. Not that Elliot felt he was set up or anything, Gideon was too good a man to play games, but it was predictable that it was more than gratitude over a two week old incident. He sat back down staring at Gideon before looking away when he said nothing. He guessed his boss wanted him to ask what it was but it felt redundant really. He’d learn either way. 

“It’s a security job for a very important client. We just received a contract with them and they requested the best AllSafe has to offer. They persisted you would be part of that team.” Gideon turned his body and pulled a file from his desk before facing forward again. The manila folder was so thin it seemed to only have a few sheets. What the hell kind of client was this? Elliot could see from where he sat that it lacked any kind of definitive logo or company name of some sort. Confusion was a permanent imprint on Elliot’s face so Gideon continued to clarify the very minimal details. Seemed like even he didn’t know everything. It was explained that, for now, the client’s name had been disclosed only for approved personnel. Apparently Gideon was not one of these people. If the details were this important for such discrepancy then it’d feel like they were being trolled. Elliot learned that he’d be in charge of the client’s servers from attacks. That form of security could range from timed surveillance to creating programs to combat these hack attempts. In recent weeks the activity of breach had increased and that’s where the contract with AllSafe came in. Gideon seemed excited about the project, despite the vague amount of information, but Elliot felt something was off. 

_“Something’s wrong with this. There’s no gain. The client is anonymous. The task was simple, hardly a project. An itch for a client who didn’t have a face or name. First Chris and now this.”_

“Do you think you can handle this?” Gideon had radiated excitement for this contract and Eliot’s positive answer. It was strange since again this felt more mandatory than anything. Elliot’s answer had been irrelevant. 

“Yeah, it’s fine.” It wasn’t if he could or couldn’t, he would. This client had suddenly become an interest, an itch. Gideon had smiled like it was the only thing holding him back from hugging his employee. Elliot took the cue to excuse himself from Gideon’s office. Walking out the door this hadn’t gone completely unnoticed. 

“What was that about?” Angela had met Elliot halfway to his desk now walking by his side. She was generally curious like she could smell a secret. So that meant Angela wasn’t asked? If not who were the others that were? Elliot’s response was not immediate and he averted his eyes from her as they walked. 

“Nothing, Gideon was just pleased from this week’s reports. He went over the details with me.” Angela’s face was very subtle as it changed from curiosity to disappointment she always tried to conceal but failed doing so. When they made it to Elliot’s desk she watched him sit back down and she stared at him as though the word ‘lie’ was scratched over his face in permanent ink. 

“That’s clearly a lie but it’s not the time or place.” Elliot took a strong interest in his computer screen even though it was nothing but the desktop gleaming back at him. He didn’t bother to pull up busy work to look like he was doing something because he knew Angela wouldn’t look. When she dropped it she dropped it. At least until a later date. 

“I just wanted to ask if you could come out tonight. A few of us are going out for drinks later and we haven’t really seen much of each other outside of work so wanted to know if you wanted to come with us.” Translation: she was really worried. 

“You said you’d try.” She added because it wasn’t a lie. Elliot told her last time she invited him out with her friends because he did try. He always tried when it came to Angela but it didn’t mean he could always deliver. She never was witness to his efforts. He never delivered because fight or flight was a constant. His choice of flight was a constant. Of all people outside of his therapy sessions Angela knew and understood, or at least he hoped she did, how hard it was for him to do anything she liked because unlike him she was social. An out-going, friendly and strong-willed woman that had fun and got along well with others. She was anxiety free as far as Elliot was concerned. He wasn’t like her. He wasn’t social or even liked people. He suddenly felt a swell in his chest like it had become harder to breathe; a filter over his nose. Despite his inner turmoil he smiled at her as best he could. It was a partial smirk if barely that. 

“I’ll try, I promise.” It sounded convincing enough. He had plans to find out more about the current mysteries in his life right now but he often told Angela what she wanted to hear. He liked seeing her happy even if it were from impossible promises or lies. She smiled back at him although it had been one that was hopeful but sad. It’s like she knew the likelihood was slim but still hoped anyway. 

“Okay, I have to get back to work. Just take care and see you later.” She walked away with a click of her heels and Elliot felt like for a moment she would be walking away and not coming back. He always felt this fear of her leaving. Leaving their friendship, their memories, his life, and it was another bout of anxiety that clogged his throat and fogged his mind. He looked disoriented. This promised a long day-no-and even longer day. It was building again, the gauge was going to overflow. 

\----- 

Elliot walked through his apartment’s door, after avoiding Shayla’s invite for a fun night, and as soon as it was closed and locked he pulled back is black hood, leaned his back to the door and slid down to the floor and sighed. The sigh was deep and racked his entire body. He trembled before leaning his head back to stare at the ceiling. It began to blur and the tears started to fall. Elliot tried to breathe and calm himself but it never worked. His overpowering feelings of depression and loneliness always sucker punched him and always won. Always kicked him and continued to do so when he was already down and out. He clenched his fists and sat there feeling the hot tears sting at his face before getting up to go to his usual spot. The only spot he could go because it was placed where his cries could go unheard by his neighbors while he could hide himself from the world, even hid from his own world. 

Elliot had curled between the space of his bed and dresser. His knees were drawn to his chest and his arms locked them in the position as he cried. Tears fell freely as his face distorted from his quiet sobs as he tried to rock away the pain. It was so strong it twisted, mangled and ripped at him physically. The pain in his chest expanded and he felt overwhelmed and sensitive to it all. He wanted to shut it all off. His mind, his emotions, his senses but he couldn’t. He was stuck feeling it. He knew this would happen tonight. It was always a quick rush, never gradual, never slow. Never forgiving. Just a torrent of emotion that beat at his back constantly. This very moment had been his reality as a whole. 

Elliot can feel it, those feelings, drawing up, crawling from the depths of himself, and submerging to the surface. A dark, distorted creature that came up more and more and when it drew back it always took a part with him as an offering. Elliot sniffed as his sinuses began to clog and wiped his face with the back of his hand and alternated to the palm of his hand to dry his face but new tears would renew the moisture. He felt so helpless and broken inside and out. 

_“I hate when I get like this. It builds until it overflows. I can’t hold it in. It’s getting harder. The time between these moments are drawing closer. Sometimes I feel like I won’t even be able to hide it anymore. This loneliness is the worst feeling in the world and it’s the only feeling that’s the strongest besides the fear. It’s another constant. A feeling of being cast aside or thrown away somewhere dark and dangerous. I don’t have the option to reach out and make it better. Family and friends were again variables. Codes removed and replaced with corrupted data. A worm that isn’t satisfied until it’s eaten away everything useful. It was never an option so I stick to the only option I have.”_

It was a desperate, rushed process Elliot was all too familiar with to a point of being clinically professional. He took his dose of morphine into the mortar bowl and with the pestle he began to roll the hard, blunt end over the pills until it became a fine power. He carefully dumped the powder on the mirror surface he often used to take his drugs and with a thin blade made a line. Taking the straw to his nose it was one quick motion as he snorted it and then sat back on his couch. Elliot’s head leaned back and eyes locked to the ceiling. He let the instant current tap that very part of his brain before his tensed muscles relaxed. His eyes then slid closed and he drifted with the sudden high. He let the feeling course through him and it sedated that unbearable feeling of sadness. It calmed the pain and the world became a little more tolerable. Memories were suddenly pushed back even further into his mind where each time a little more were added to and locked away in that subconscious chest. Everything suddenly felt okay even if it were only temporary. 

_“I wish I didn’t have to resort to this and deal with things with the drugs. Even with my rule I am playing in a dangerous lane. It was temporary. A quick fix solution and no better than quick fixes with computers. Enough to make it work but not enough to be efficient.”_

There was a knock at the door and Elliot’s eyes shot open. Even buzzed-the little bit he was-it held back the usual flutter of a heart beat in his chest when he began to feel anxious. It wasn’t overwhelming but it was still there even in the midst of the morphine. He tried to calm himself and rationalized it was Shayla. She had inquired to speak with him earlier and he couldn’t. She was probably was checking in. If Elliot didn’t lock his doors then she’d just walk right in. She was just like that. 

Elliot wiped his face again to remove any tears he may have missed or left behind and wiped over his eyes with his hoodie sleeve. He’s never been bothered during these moments, he hardly ever had company except for Shayla sometimes, so there was no time to dress away his prior breakdown. He could only play it off as fatigue. 

He walked over to the door and opened it and suddenly fear had enveloped him entirely. 

“….What are you doing here?” The telltale signs of Elliot’s cry session had been all too clear. His eyes still burned with a subtle red that seems to glow amidst the bloodshot creeping over white and he looks exhausted with baggier eyes than usual. His company didn’t seem to catch the visual clue that now was not a good time or it was ignored entirely. 

“Can I come in?” Chris asked with a coy smile with a bag in his hand. 

_“…What the hell is he doing here?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a long time coming, I'm sorry for the delay. I had a lot more planned for this chapter but it was getting long. Sorry for the lack of Chris as well, this chapter couldn't fit everything I had planned. I'm still shaky continuing this story but I received amazing comments so I want to say thank you to those who enjoy it <3 I hope it does not disappoint.
> 
> As usual I have a fear of characters being portrayed as canon so if they aren't feel free to let me know! The last thing I want to do is alter the characters personalities.
> 
> Mandatory apology for any typos/mistakes x'D
> 
> My tumblr! (writerssphere.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> I was rewatching Mr. Robot and this idea popped in my head. I feel like it acts so well! I have subtle plot for this but not sure if it's ugh worth it x'D I finished this chapter since by 80% of the chapter was already done I wanted it to be posted. I really enjoy writing Elliot, hope he's canon here. Hope Chris is too, felt kind of out of my element here admittedly...
> 
> I apologize for any mistakes as usual.


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